make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
