i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I die, sorry about rent.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
