I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize