Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
