oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She's JV to your varsity
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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