I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
