I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
