i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
