Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
