I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize