a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
