Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
