if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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