out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
