Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
