he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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