Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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