Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
