It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this boner is exhausting
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
