I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm too high and old for this...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
