I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
