worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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