No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
