Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
