He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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