pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
