I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
