"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
