Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
please come you make the beer taste better
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
