Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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