If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
