if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize