I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
