I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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