So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
