Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
