Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
