Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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