if i can run in heels then i can drive
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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