you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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