God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
