You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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