areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
