Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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