He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
