my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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