I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
