I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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