That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
