Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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