I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
