You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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