I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
