plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
