What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
