You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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