I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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