the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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