In the future we'll all be gay
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
