Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
