I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need a beard to bite.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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