Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
