i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
