I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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